Dumb Blonde
by Quantum Solaris
Summary: Sometime the resident boy genius has a dumb blonde moment


**I actually had this one-shot hanging around in my files and I decided to finish it. I have to admit its not my best work, I think the dialogue comes off a bit clunky myself. Picard comes off a bit OOC for this season.**

 **This takes places during late season 2.**

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Dumb Blonde

"I'm blonde! My I.Q. just dropped twenty points."

-Salem, _Sabrina the Teenage Witch_

Picard drummed his fingers against his chair as he looked at empty chair of navigations. Ensign Wesley Crusher took his granted position with the upmost respect and diligence. He never knew their perquisite navigator to be late.

Pulling down his tunic, "What is taking Ensign Crusher so long? It's not like him to be late." Fifteen minutes late and counting.

Riker turned to him, "You know teenagers. He could be talking to a pretty girl or maybe slept in." Before adding, "He has spent a lot of time working that project of his. I wouldn't put it past him for forgetting about his duty shift." Rubbing the back of his neck.

"I say, let's contact Ensign Crusher and see why he's late for duty." Jokey adding, "We could turn on red alert and that will certainly bring him to the Bridge." Quirking a smile.

He pressed his combadge, "Picard to Acting Ensign Crusher."

 _"Crusher here."_

"Why haven't you arrived for duty shift? Mr. Crusher."

There was silence on the other end for a couple of seconds, Wes finally answered, _"I…Capt…"_ The boy sighed and collected himself, _"Captain, I can't come to the Bridge."_

Picard looked at Commander Riker, who shrugged and said, "Maybe he's sick."

"He doesn't sound sick." Riker said and rubbed his temple.

"Are you sick?" Picard asked.

 _"No."_ The boy's nervousness filtered through the comm channel, _"I'll be there in a few minutes."_

The lift's door opened and their young Ensign came out in his gray uniform and a fishing hat. Wes pulled down the sides of the hat and hunched down trying to look as small as possible which gained the attention of the entire Bridge. Riker's eyebrow arched, this was odd, even for Wesley's standards.

Picard's jaw stiffened as he went over his Ensign followed closely by Commander Riker, "Mr. Crusher, why are you wearing a non-uniform hat." Wesley shriveled under the harsh gaze of his Captain.

His hands doing a circling gesture, "Let's say there was an accident…" Wes stared down at the ground in shame as he gave an audible gulp.

"Mr. Crusher take off that hat now." Coming out more harsher than he attended and the boy flinched from his tone. Picard mentally kicked himself.

Wes slowly took off the hat, twisting it in his grip. Brilliant platinum blonde replaced his walnut colored hair.

Riker couldn't contain his laughter and turned away. Laughter broke out on the Bridge. The only person, who didn't get it was Data, who just looked at his friend with confusion. "I do not understand what is so funny?"

"Data, look up 'Dumb blonde'" Geordi suggested as he rubbed off the tears that streamed past his VISOR and took a moment to catch his breath.

Wesley looked like he wanted to dig up the floor and crawl in and die. Picard did not smile, Wesley had suffered enough from this embarrassment. Clearing his throat, he asked, "What happened?" He had to admit he wasn't the best for this situation; it would be better if Troi or better yet his mother. This situation called for tenderness and gentleness, which he had neither. He could handle Romulans and Klingons with ease, but when it came to children he was helpless.

The young man drew in a breath, calming down a tad, but Picard noticed he wasn't completely opening up, "Back when we visited Delta Nu V, I ran out of shampoo and conditioner a day before. But, for some odd reason I didn't replicate it. So, down on the planet, I bought some new shampoo and conditioner. What they didn't tell me was it was going to turn my hair blonde."

It came as a surprise to Wes when Picard placed a hand on the boy's shoulder. "How about we go to my Ready Room, Mr. Crusher."

He had admit that teenagers were not all that bad…not to the extent of small children, but teenagers. God knows what he would do if Wesley acted like he did when he was a teenager. All the stubid stuff he did as a teen would put Wes's take over of Engineering look tame.

Guiding the young man to the sofa, "Come have a seat, Ensign." Now was not the time for formalities. Finally Wesley broke down and cried on his shoulder. He did soothing circles, "There, there. It's going to be alright." His warmth was genuine…but there was a slight discomfort hidden beneath it. It felt forced to Picard. Where was Beverly when he needed her?

In his mind, he heard her voice—full of consideration and stubbornness—tinged with a slight gaelic accent:

 _Jean-Luc, you come off as cold, harsh and being Captain you seem unapproachable._

Giving a slight sigh, he asked the imaginary Beverly Crusher. _Then, what would you have me do?_

 _I think you would have a better time dealing with Wesley if you simply talk to him._

When he heard Wes's sobs die down, Picard pulled the younger man back, however Wes rested his head against the Captain's chest. "When I was at the Academy, I pulled a prank on Fourth year. I was a First Year at the time, but the Fourth year wasn't happy with me. Three days later, I woke up with bright neon orange hair."

Wesley tried and failed to hold back his giggling. That and mental imagine of Picard with hair made it even funnier. "Sorry, sir. I shouldn't be laughing."

Looking back at the prank, it was pretty funny. "And there was the time I shaved my head." Wesley bit his tongue, not wanting to offend the Captain with his comment that he wanted to say.

Combing back a few stray hairs behind his ear,"I guess…being blonde isn't that bad, relevantly speaking."

"Mr. Crusher you are temporally relieved of duty for the rest of the day, but I want you go to Counselor Troi as she more akin to dealing with your…problem." His warm gray eyes flicking up to his blonde hair.

"Yes, sir." Wesley gave a curt nod and got up followed by Captain Picard, who pulled down his tunic.

The Captain put a hand on the boy's shoulder and guiding him toward the door. The young man glanced elsewhere, before gripping the older man in a tight hug. The door to the ready room opened with a sharp hiss of pneumatic pressure when the two stepped too close to the sensors. Realizing that the entire the Bridge crew was watching them, Wesley's eyes widen and rushed out the Ready Room and the Bridge in a gray blur.

Picard came to the middle of the Bridge and started to laugh along with his First Officer. However, Picard's smile faded, which gained the full attention of his Senior officers, "I want a full report on how the Hell a unsupervised minor could beam down to a planet without as so much as a single one of my officers noticing within in the hour or I'll have you scrubbing the plasma conduits for the next six months." The Captain gave the slights of pauses before continuing, "I do not need to remind you that his mother will be back in two months. And I do not want to tell her 'I am sorry, your son is blond.'"

"You're joking…Right?" Riker asked, laughing still, his chest hurting a bit from laughing.

"Did I not make myself clear?" Riker's smile vanished and the rest followed suit as their smiles slowly sank into more along with their posture caving in, "Or are you telling me that you didn't hear my orders. I want those reports within the next fifteen minutes." It took a full five seconds before the order sunk and the officers scrabbled to get out of chairs.

Oh sometime it was fun being the Captain.

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 **A/N: Explaining Picard's outburst: Um… I know Wes is 15/16 in this season, but I do not care. There is still the possibility of Wes being kidnapped,tortured, beaten or 1,000 different scenarios that could happen. Plus the fact Wes got a death sentence on the Edo's planet** **could still be on Picard's mind.** **It's like sending your kid to Europe without your knowledge. Would you be worried?**

 **Please review. It makes this author very happy :)**


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